Say "No" and Mean It!

When I began my teaching career, I worked with a very wise veteran teacher, Ms. Kathy Clevenger Jones.  She told me an illustration I have never forgotten.  I have used it for almost 30 years, not only at school, but also at home.  I am a visual learner, just as most students are, and Ms. Kathy put a picture in my mind that helped me to remember to mean "No" and be consistent when I have said it.

If you walked into your kitchen one morning and flipped the light switch, with no immediate result, what would you do?  Most people would flip the switch a couple of times more.  If the light came on then, you might think, "I need to call an electrician, but until he comes, I just have to flip it a few more times and it will come on."  The next time you walk into the kitchen and the light does not come on, you may have to flip it 4 times before you get a result.  The next time, it may take 8 times before the light comes on and so on.  You have then conditioned yourself to know, if you just keep flipping the switch, eventually the light will come on.

Now, let's apply this to children.  If I am at Walmart when my child asks for a toy, I may say "No," due to previous behavior, limited finances, inappropriate timing, etc.   If the child begins to cry or beg for the toy and I change my answer to "Yes," guess what...the light just came on.  The next time my child asks for something and I say "No," he knows that a few flips of the switch by crying or pleading will change my answer to "Yes."  Thus, he is conditioned and knows how to turn the light on.  The next time he asks for something and I say "No," he may have to throw a tantrum and become rather loud to change my answer, but he knows that no matter how many flips of the switch it takes, eventually, I will flip my answer to "Yes," and flip the light switch to turn the light on.  My poor son heard the words "No, the light is not coming on" many times!  Usually, he just walked away after he heard my answer, totally accepting that it was not going to happen.   One day, at about age 10, he looked at me and said, "Mom, what light are you talking about?"

The more consistent we are with the word "No," the easier it is to make your child believe that you mean it and that your answer will not change to "Yes."  There will be no crying, pleading or tantrums, because the light is never going to come on and he knows it.  Of course there are many times when your answer will be "Yes" for things that are appropriate, but there are also many times when a parents must say "No." You may be saying "No" to protect your children from danger, to make guidance choices from life experiences your child may not have had yet, or to make decisions which your child cannot make for himself..

What if you were busy doing something and you said "No" to a request that really was not a big deal?  Now you wish you could change it to "Yes."  Do NOT change it.  Stay with that answer, even if it means that your child will not stay at a friend's house this time.  However, next time, when it is not a good time to answer, say "Maybe, let me think about it first.Give me a few minutes and then I will decide."  This will give you time to give an answer which is good for both of you and you have not cancelled a "No" with a "Yes."  If you do find yourself giving in, you will have to establish that you mean it when you say "No" again by starting the process all over.   This may take more time now. You may have to work through a few more difficult moments before you have established once again that when you say "No," you mean it. 

Consistency is one of the greatest needs in discipline.  You will have a happy child and a healthier relationship with your child when you are consistent.  You will also have mutual respect and boundaries that are important in parenting.  Starting to develop consistency and boundaries at a young age will save difficulties when your child becomes older.  Please read the following poem:

The toddler who refuses to pick up his blocks

becomes the child who will not share with his friends

becomes the middle-schooler who will not come in when called

becomes the pre-teen who talks back to his parents

becomes the teenager who will not be home at curfew

becomes the adult who has difficulty with relationships

and does not like submitting to authority.

Why not take care of the situation

when it's all about the blocks?

(*This was an email forward with no known origin.)